{The Truth of the Matter}

I'm sitting at the dining room table

and trying my best to turn my day around.

I'm in a funk today and desperately need the cloud of

sadness and grief to remove itself from my airspace.

Some days are like that.

Even for me.

The truth of the matter is that seeing the lovely side

of life is a choice and it takes work.

Some days more than others.

The truth of the matter is that all the work we've been

doing on our home is because we're in a new place in our life.

The life we were given after losing Samuel, and we need
our environment to reflect that.

In the early months after Samuel died we met with our

hospice grief counselor every two weeks.  During one of those

visits he brought with him a book about the first year of loss.

That book told us what we could expect to experience through the
different stages of grief during that first year.  It also included advice
on things we could do along the way to nurture ourselves.

One of those things was to change your environment.
I attached myself to that notion because it made perfect sense to me.
My home had become my cocoon and I needed it to reflect the
way our family felt then, not three years ago when we had painted
it.  So, bit by bit we set about painting rooms and trying to
create a space that felt like home to us.

Then a few months ago, Scott and I realized it was time
to do it again.  Our house no longer reflected the people that
lived in it and we felt that it was holding us back from the
new phase we were headed into.
 
Updating our home to reflect who we are now has been
exciting and energizing, but at the same time it's been difficult
because it's another reminder of why we are making changes.

The truth of the matter is that as a result of all this,
I miss my boy so much today that
just typing those words makes water shoot from my eyes.
 

Add to that the reminder of the impact hospice had on our life

and it makes my heart fill with sadness for the many mommas that
won't get to use a grief counselor after their child dies.  It makes
my heart ache when I think of all the moms that have to walk this
path without the guidance of someone telling them that what they are
feeling and going through is healthy, and is progress towards the future.
Because it certainly doesn't feel like that when your in the midst of it.

When my heart swells like this, and I begin to feel

helpless, the only think I know to do is pray.

Because I know it works.

So, today I'll be praying for all the mommas that have lost a child

and didn't/won't get to experience the guidance that comes

from a professional letting them know that they are on the right path.

I'll be praying that God fills their hearts with the confidence to know

that it's not a shallow thing to want to change their environment to reflect

their new life, and it certainly doesn't mean they are trying to pretend that

they aren't grieving or experiencing the deepest sadness a person can feel.

And I'll trust, that after a little while, God will fill my heart
with the confidence to know that my life is still lovely, and will

continue to be lovely, all because my boy is part of it.

+Heather